Fail, fail, fail, fail, succeed

Well Here’s a Thing

Ever heard of ASMR? It stands for autonomous sensory meridian response, and it’s apparently a very big thing. Let me state out front that I’ve never followed any YouTube stars – in fact, I don’t really understand the whole phenomenon. But I just found out about this thing (ASMR) in a New York Times article, and after watching a few minutes of two “ASMR stars” videos, I’m feeling very confused.

Before going any further, perhaps you might take a minute or two and check these out:

ASMR Comforting Boyfriend

ASMR Slow Tapping

In the first video, the “comforting boyfriend” is a 17 year old boy who has never had a girlfriend and lives with his parents. He makes “roll play” videos to help women fall asleep. I made it through about 3 minutes before my skin started to crawl. I’m sure he’s a fine young man, but I found him about as comforting as Joel Osteen (another phenomenon I don’t get). In other words, I immediately felt he was a sociopath. I feel Joel Osteen is a sociopathic grifter, but I digress.

OK, so my impression of the comforting boyfriend was that he was inducing relaxation so he could more easily murder women in their sleep, but hey – that’s just me. WTF do I know?

Let’s move on to item 2: “Slow tapping.” Everything about this video confuses me and sets off alarms. What is happening here? The whispering is really creeping me out, the way she keeps moving from one side to the other is suspicious, and the tapping? Dear god – the tapping, tapping, tapping on the cork candle – it’s like something out of an Edgar Allen Poe story.

What is wrong with me? This whole ASMR thing is supposed to relax you, to cause some kind of “braingasm,” but instead both of these people make me feel like they’re trying to steal my soul. Evil seems a bit strong, but Jesus – this is some of the most disturbing shit I’ve seen in a while.

And yet – millions of YouTube followers would clearly vehemently disagree. The thing is – I don’t think this is an age thing (as in “I’m an old guy who doesn’t get it). I think this a life thing.

As in “Where’s your fucking antenna for trouble, people?”