Fail, fail, fail, fail, succeed

Putting Together a New Normal

This is where I am right now – trying to reassemble a life, because the one I knew for 63 years is gone. Let me be clear – I know I am not alone, and my heart breaks for everyone who lost a loved one, as it breaks for all those unemployed.

But my grief over taking part in so much death while feeling helpless to stop it, and then losing my medical director to suicide, has left me feeling numb. Add to that the fact that I somehow have to keep getting up and going into work knowing I am vulnerable to the virus that has killed so many people right in front of me. The only way it seems possible is to turn your humanity off, which doesn’t seem like a healthy response. I don’t even know what a healthy response is.

How do you get through this shit? Yesterday I finally looked at the memorial page my union put up recognizing all the frontline healthcare workers who died in NYC and it’s fucking heartbreaking. Of course most of them were younger than me.

Am I just supposed to go to work like it’s a game of Russian roulette? No, that analogy is ridiculous and dramatic. Unless you saw what I’ve seen. I keep telling myself the reality is that no where is safe, at least until they come up with a vaccine.

I’m just in this weird interim limbo where I feel like I’m not really living. I’m either working in the ER or recuperating at home, unable to focus on anything.

But I know I’m resilient and I’ll get through this. I don’t yet know how, but I’ll do it. I’ve been through some hard shit in my life – I will survive, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

It may not be that great, but for the moment, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.