Fail, fail, fail, fail, succeed

Letting Go

My dog is dying from osteosarcoma and it’s breaking my fucking heart. I know I’m going to have to euthanize him soon, but he still seems completely himself – the problem is he’s starting to have difficulty walking and weighs 90 lbs. I know he’s in pain, but doesn’t really show it beyond the limping and unsteady gait. I’m giving him Tramadol and Deramaxx which seems to help some, but he’s progressively worse each day. It’s hard to know when it’s going to be the right time – I don’t want him to suffer, but he still seems to have some good quality of life, so I am not there yet. I find myself spontaneously weeping  a few times every day.

So although I am committed to this blog, I am really struggling in my daily life – it’s all I can do to take care of myself, my wife, and him while meeting my responsibilities. I’m not sure how meaningful or well written these posts are going to be for a while, but I’ll give it my best shot. I really didn’t want to write about this, but I can’t seem to think about anything else. I feel like I’m just going through the motions.

Life can be so fucking painful – it just wears you down. Each encounter with death scars you a little more. Instead of getting easier, it just gets harder.

Today he turned ten. Happy birthday buddy, I wish I could fix this. I won’t let you down.

Got to keep moving – one foot in front of the other.