Fail, fail, fail, fail, succeed


I’m at that age where you’re pretty much constantly faced with loss from all angles. Much of that loss is external, which is hard enough to deal with. But then there is internal loss – loss of physiological function – and, in many ways, that’s the hardest pill to swallow. That’s where you begin to realize that there’s shit you’re losing that’s just not coming back, no matter how hard you work applying yourself to “rehab” in an effort to do so. I’m intimately familiar with this kind of loss – my first introduction to it came after my bout with cancer 8 years ago.

It’s a tricky thing – you don’t want to just give up to entropy and then passively watch the system slowly break down, but you also don’t want to spend all your time trying to futilely get it back.

At some point you’ve got to come to peace with the whole mess and accept that shit is winding down. Fucking hell – it’s so hard to do. I’m only 63 – WTF?! Should I be better prepared for this? Doesn’t really matter, because I’m not.

But let’s make note: I’m trying to accept it in some kind of healthy way, even though I’m not exactly sure what that means.

Ultimately I have no choice.