Monthly Archives: February 2020

Nothing left in this gas tank – no food for 11 hours and no bed in the ICU for a very unstable young man dancing with death.

Couple that with a new EMR whose sole purpose seems to be to make my job as difficult as possible. Choosing between the two is a no brainer for me. Taking care of sick people is by far the most rewarding part of my job.

It’s not for the faint of heart or those with a weak constitution. I’m 63 and still up for it, thank you very much. Not bad for someone ten years in and rapidly becoming the oldest person there.

Trying to make a difference here folks. Not sure I always succeed, but it’s not for lack of trying.

Question 1) Where on this spectrum do you fall?

Question 2) Where on this spectrum would you like to fall?

Yeah – I said it. So fucking what? It is what it is, and all told, I’m still glad to be alive. I’ve already been introduced to death by cancer and sepsis, and as a result of treatment some rather essential parts of my body have said adios and left the building. But did I mention I’m still alive?

So you might ask what could possibly be good about getting old? Just this: I remember everything, which gives me a lot of shit to write about, and quite frankly, an edge over everyone younger. Well – I guess I don’t remember everything – most of my early childhood is a very dim, very ugly memory. But really, even that’s available if I want dig deeply enough. Which I don’t.

So yeah, I know disease and death are right around the corner, and unfortunately, I have no choice but to be ok with that. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but neither do you. This little visit on earth doesn’t last forever folks. So for what it’s worth – enjoy the ride.

It’ll be over sooner than you think.

Let the good times roll.

Holy fuck – I’m in the thick of it now. Deep in the weeds. Doing the work, trying to make my writing presentable to the world. See, the creative part of writing isn’t a problem for me, it’s the editing part that’s a killer.

But I’ve got some experience to fall back on, albeit in a different discipline. Music and writing don’t share much, but the editing phase is similar.

See, when you write and record a piece of music, by the time you’re ready to mix you’ve heard it so many times, examining every tiny detail, that it becomes this very dispassionate exercise. You lose all sense of excitement because, quite frankly, it’s a brutal grind to get it to it’s highest level.

In this sense, writing is no different. Flow, overuse of adverbs, sentence structure, correct punctuation, spelling, passive vs active voice, conjunctions, dialog, repetitive words, overuse of pronouns, length… The list just goes on and on.

It’s probably not quite as complex as music, but getting it to its final state is just as hard.

So I’m not really dismayed – I’ve been here before. This is what separates the men from the boys (I mean that in the most none-gender specific way possible).

So I’m overwhelmed but learning, which is a good place to be.

Here’s to realizing you suck, and the brutal hard work it takes to get better. I’m still growing at 63.

It’s pretty fucking cool.

It’s part of life, right? Yes, but remember this: as painful as it can be, it’s both necessary and useful. Necessary because it’s good to be reminded that not everyone is going to like you, and if you create something to express yourself, most people are at best not going to get it, and at worst they’ll downright dislike it. I’ll get to the useful part in a minute.

What makes rejection so hard is that whatever you made is your personal statement, so when people don’t like it, it’s easy to think they’re rejecting you. When you create something and love it enough to share with the world, rejection can feel like confirmation that whatever you made isn’t really very good. To share what you’ve made is to make yourself vulnerable.

But here’s the useful part: You’re going to learn something from each rejection. Like what you’re made of, and how strongly you believe in what you’re doing. Are you crushed or angry? Or maybe indifferent? If comments were given you’ll decide whether they’re useful and act accordingly.

Because here’s the thing: Ultimately only you can judge the worth of both yourself and whatever you’ve made. Everything else is just another person’s opinion.

If you think it’s good and it gives you pleasure, isn’t that enough?

This post has departed on a long journey and perhaps will return in another form in the future.

Godspeed my friend, I send you on your way with the best of intentions.

(Caught off-guard) If you’re reading this right now, what would I say to you?

I guess for starters – I never meant to hurt you, and yes, I’m aware I can be harsh. I’ve got a good side too – unfortunately you didn’t bring it out. Or perhaps I should say we both had a knack for bringing out the worst in each other. Either way, it wasn’t good.

Because it’s my nature, I solved the problem for both of us. It wasn’t pretty, but hey – it was effective. And truth be told, we’re both better off for it.

See, in life there are the things we wish for, and then there’s what is. I live in the land of what is, and I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty attempting to fix it however I can.

Which is to say by any means necessary, with, of course, as little collateral damage as possible. Unfortunately someone always gets hurt, don’t they?

Anyway, whether you believe it or not, I really do wish you well.

Just don’t get in touch.

That’s how long I’ve been writing this blog, dutifully posting every day, trying to articulate something I’m thinking about and writing it down coherently. But when I hit these milestones, it seems pertinent to ask some questions, to wit:

Why? And has it been worth it?

Before I answer that, let’s get this out of the way – it’s not fucking easy, and although I can go through long stretches where I don’t seem to run out of ideas, there are many days where it’s work and I feel like I’ve got nothing. I’m sure anyone who might come across it when I’m struggling would move on without hesitation, and that’s understandable. I made a commitment to myself to write something everyday, so by god that’s what I’m going to do. If you can’t keep promises you made to yourself, how are you going to keep them with everyone else?

Right now is unfortunately one of those difficult periods, but there’s a reason… At the moment I’m kind of obsessed with writing fiction, and most of my time and energy are spent working on that. As a consequence, writing blog posts cuts into time I could be spending writing my other stuff. It’s never a good idea to spread yourself too thin.

But here’s the thing: I still think I’m getting enough out of this for it to be worth the time and trouble. Why? Well, let’s see:

• Writing this blog forces me to look closely at the world and think about what I see, if only to give me something to write about.
• Practicing discipline and keeping commitments you’ve made to yourself is important.
• In order to write anything, you have to translate your thoughts into sentences. This can’t help but make you a better writer.
• It helps clarify your thinking and understanding of how the world works, i.e. what is important and what isn’t.
• If your thinking is weak, it becomes embarrassingly obvious when you write it down.
• And, probably more important than anything else: It’s good for my brain.

So here we go into my fourth year – let’s see where this thing takes me.

Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Take away your daily commitments and what do you have? Or let’s be more specific – what would you do if you didn’t have to work to make a living?

The answer to this question would heavily depend on how much meaning your work job (the one that pays your bills) added to your life – and what interests you had beyond that.

So we must constantly ask ourselves the question: What is important and what isn’t? How you answer will dictate how you’ll spend your time…