Monthly Archives: March 2018

Stay safe out there.

Your lens is not just the totality of your experience and understanding, it is also what you are capable of understanding. This is not a difficult concept to grasp, but it is very sobering to think about.

For example, there are frequencies we can’t hear, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Likewise, there are limits to what our brains are capable of understanding, beyond which we can’t imagine – because we are incapable of imagining it. If we try there’s just an empty void we are unable to fill in with information.

We might like to think that, given enough time and the proper motivation, we could learn, say, quantum physics. But the reality is not everyone’s brain is capable of understanding the subject matter.

This idea applies to social issues as well. Here’s a disturbing example: suppose you are a white, middle age male. You go through life trying to treat others fairly, and you pride yourself on not being prejudiced. You don’t really see a lot of racial discrimination so it’s not a big problem to you. Of course you’re not seeing it because you’re white. Why would you see it? It’s just not part of your reality – you don’t see the world through that lens.

If you’be never listened to jazz, it must sound like confusing noise – again, since you have no frame of reference, it’s not part of the lens through which you view the world. It’s a part of the world you don’t see, and you wouldn’t understand it even if you could.

You think you are seeing, but your eyes aren’t really open.

If you want to understand the range of Nick Nolte as an actor, watch “Q&A” from 1990 and “Prince of Tides” from 1991 (for good measure you might want to throw in his performance in Martin Scorsese’s remake of “Cape Fear,” also from 1991). Nolte was 49 and 50 years old respectively, and he was on fire. I love all three of these movies, but his performance in “Q&A” and “Prince of Tides” is just like watching magic. The fact that these movies were done within a year of each other drives home the scope of what this guy was capable of. He is almost unrecognizable in these two films – it’s really difficult to imagine this is the same actor.

His portrayal of Mike Brennan in Sidney Lumets “Q&A” is a toxic manifestation of corrupt masculinity. If you’ve spent any time on the edges of society, you know this guy – or rather, you wish you didn’t know him. He’s a character right out of film noir, except there’s nothing left unstated. His corrosive violence and moral bankruptcy make you feel dirty just watching him. The simple act of him walking into a room brings with it a sense of dread and revulsion – you just want to get away from this guy, but you know it’s not going to be that easy. Hulking, creepy, and threatening, he’s like the big schoolyard bully who grew up and found his home as a racist and corrupt NYC police detective. This film is a real piece of art, and Nolte’s performance is sure to leave you feeling very unsettled.

So fast forward a year later and we have Nick starring in a film directed by Barbra Streisand of all people, and, for me at least, this movie is a masterpiece. It’s a great script by Pat Conroy and Barbra directs it beautifully – her acting performance works for me, but YMMV. But it’s Nolte’s role that breathes life into the film, and boy, is it a career defining performance. The story is a kind of a southern Gothic, and it hits a lot of buttons for me. I’m from the south, and his character Tom Wingo is trying to “save” his sister who has just attempted suicide. But Tom’s past secrets and toxic shame are catching up to him, and he’s having difficulty holding himself together. I first saw this film a few years after my sister committed suicide, and I was really overwhelmed by how beautifully moving and tragic the story was. It’s portrayal of life as filled with tragedy, deep sadness and beauty really touched me. Nolte’s depiction of a very sensitive and beautiful character haunted by his past and living in a state of pain he doesn’t fully understand was just indelible. And I have to mention James Newton Howard’s hauntingly beautiful and lush score – it takes a great film and elevates the story and it’s emotion to another level. And let’s not forget George Carlin’s wonderful role as the gay neighbor…

So there you have it – Nick Nolte depicting two extreme manifestations of humanity so transparently that you’re left thinking that these roles couldn’t possibly have been played by the same actor. Bravo sir – you made my life just a little bit better by your art. Thank you.

The shit storm just keeps coming. I can deal with epic amounts of trouble, but right about now I’m thinking “the good news must be coming any minute.”

Until then, the bad news will have to keep me company. At least we’re on intimate terms.

“He has made his own bargain with the human condition. Doba’s response to Gabriela’s concern about what he’d do in a crisis, if the closest land was the bottom, was to say there will be no crisis. He did not say this because he’s naïve. He said it because he has reimagined the concept of crisis, just as he has reimagined the concept of suffering. A crisis, in Doba’s worldview, is an opportunity for triumph. So Doba moves toward the crisis, just as he moves toward the suffering. By choosing it, he casts himself in the role of hero, not victim. He gives himself control.” – “Alone at Sea,” by Elizabeth Weil, New York Times Magazine, March 22, 2018.

If I’m counting down the days, at the very least shouldn’t I feel like I at least accomplished this?

Not that I really care that much about humanity in the big picture, but I do care about people one to one. If that makes any sense.

I don’t know, I don’t want this to sound morbid, because I don’t really feel that way. But if I’ve got another, say, 20 years ( in 20 I’ll be 81 – fuck me.), WTF am I leaving behind?

It’s really weird to think about this, but it’s fucking reality. I’m staring into the abyss and I don’t feel like am quite ready for it yet.

I guess I’m not sure if I’ll ever be.

Okay, I just had a realization and it’s kind of creeping me out. I’ve been writing this blog for over a year, and although it’s stated purpose was to provide a means for me to better understand myself and grow, I have been adopting the voice of a writer communicating with an undefined reader.

I just realized who that reader is. It’s me. I’m writing notes to myself. WTF does that even mean? I’m not sure, but it’s both weirdly disturbing and kind of cool at the same time. I guess I’m sending messages to myself? Or am I working out problems and trying to process and understand life by writing down my thoughts? This is really fucking strange…

I guess it kind of makes sense, it was sort of spelled out in the first blog post, but it must have been on a subconscious level. Because I wasn’t really thinking in those terms. I suppose the next logical question here would be “So why make it public?” Hmmm, another good question – I’m not really sure how to answer that.

I guess it’s because I’m fucking 61 years old and coming down the home stretch. I realized how quickly things can change after being diagnosed with cancer, and suddenly my demise wasn’t a remote intellectual possibility. It was like a dress rehearsal for act three, you know, the one where I die at the end. Maybe I’m thinking “I don’t really have much to leave behind that might be useful to someone else, so perhaps there’s a remote possibility that another person may chance upon this and have it touch them in a meaningful way.”

Or at least provide fodder for the artificial intelligence that will someday read everything ever written as a way to better understand humans. “Hello there Mr. Machine! Even though I never really mattered in the big picture, at least you’re reading something that proves I existed. Feel free to take the parts you find useful!”

So there’s that.

I’m talking about the pleasure one takes in not just doing a very difficult job well, but actually enjoying it in the process. There is something deliciously satisfying about the whole thing…

A job most people couldn’t do, nor would they want to even if they could. A job so hard, most people in the same profession want nothing to do with it. A job with non stop stress, where people are dying right under your hands, and it somehow begins to seem as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

But for you it feels like home, like this is your comfort zone. When you can pull this off for a 12 and a half hour shift like it’s just another day in the office, you feel like you’ve actually done something useful. You begin to feel like you’re part of an elite club that most people have no idea it even exists.

If the job in question is that of an ER nurse, be fucking proud of it. Take a minute to feel good about yourself. At the end of your shift, go home and get some rest – hopefully you’ll live another day and be able to do it all over again.

Enjoy the feeling of knowing you tried to help others in need, and maybe, for a brief moment, you succeeded. And if, despite your best efforts, you think you fell short – there’s always tomorrow.

Here’s some counter intuitive advice: whenever you hear someone say “I don’t know,” you should listen to this person carefully. They are probably very smart, supremely confident, and extremely self aware. Whatever it is they don’t know, chances are good that they will figure it out.

Conversely, anyone (or any institution) that claims to have all the answers most definitely doesn’t. Run, do not walk from this person, and whatever you do, don’t join their organization. Unless you are a foolish and gullible person who simply wants to be told what to do. If you are this type of person, stop it. You are selling yourself short and it’s depriving you from one of life’s great pleasures – figuring shit out. It’s fun, builds character, and makes you a more interesting human. So stop falling for other people’s bullshit and start thinking for yourself. It might seem hard at first, but trust me, you’ll get the hang of it.

“I don’t know” is what moves the world ahead. It’s the foundation of all learning and the essence of science. Don’t be afraid to say it – instead be excited.

It means you’re about to learn something.

Sometimes this is a focused effort on a specific task or subject, other times not so much. Some days it’s as simple as just trying to be a better human, trying to treat other people in a respectful and caring way.

But here’s the reality of all this: it’s a process, and there will be many, many times where you fail miserably. You might think that after a certain point in life you would stop failing, but you would be very wrong.

The only way to stop failing is to stop trying.