Monthly Archives: December 2017

“The tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.”

I would add that it’s probably a hardwired human tendency to actively look for information confirming what we already want to believe.

This what we want to do – all of us – and it’s precisely why overcoming it is so hard. So what do we do?

We can start by at least being aware of this phenomenon at all times. Sometimes our beliefs are correct, but we must always be open to the possibility that we’re wrong – and not be afraid to admit it. There’s no shame in being wrong, but there is shame in willfully clinging to beliefs that we know are incorrect.

The most dangerous manifestation of this is when we are so married to an idea that we become blind to reality. Unfortunately, this is dishearteningly common today, and you certainly don’t have to look hard to see examples everywhere.

It’s almost as if actually having access to constantly evolving information is too overwhelming for us, and we retreat into what feels safe.

But the world, of course, is far from safe. It never was…

I might have also titled this post “letting go,” because that’s what we’re really talking about. You’ve ushered something into the world, nurtured and developed it, and now the time has come to let it go.

It could quite literally be your child – but for our purpose it might be anything. Anything, that is, that is very important and dear to your heart. Anything that started as a dream and you made it into a reality. That’s a very big fucking deal, and although it can be painful and scary, there comes a time where you just have to let go. But this process should always be accompanied by a sense of pride – you were able to accomplish something. And with it also comes a greater sense of self-efficacy, the realization that there are other challenges waiting for you to tackle.

The thing is, once you send something out into the world, it may fail – at the very least you know longer really have any control over it. This is probably the root of why it’s so hard to let go. But finishing is an essential part of creating. It may not quite be done yet – you might still have to help it along – but it’s no longer yours protect and nurture.

It’s time to set it free and move on.

When I was really young – say, between the ages of 3-6, Christmas was magic. Well, magic in the sense of free gifts, anyway. We had a tree and my parents bought me and my sister and brother presents. Christmas morning was incredible…

Then, somewhere around the age of 7 or so, my mothers mental illness really started to manifest itself, and things went south quickly. Gone was the whole magical Christmas morning thing – replaced by increasingly unpredictable outbursts of violence and sheer, unadulterated episodes of insanity.

As an adult, I long ago realized Christmas was a toxic reminder of tragedy and existential sadness for me – and I cut it out of my life like a cancer. When you get older and start learning how to come to grips with your past and heal, these are the things you have to do.

But most years (not every year), I briefly flash back to when I was a little boy, and I remember the magical Christmas’s of long ago.

I feel a remote, weak sense of sadness, because now I am an old(er) man who long ago made peace with his past. I do, however, have one prevailing tradition and final thought that gets me through the holiday season.

Every year, I watch Bad Santa with Billy Bob Thornton, and I smile.

And I think – Fuck Christmas.

I try very hard to be nice and do the right thing, but deep down I’m a very hard man, and I’ve done and seen some very bad things in my life. It’s okay though – ‘cause I’m really trying my best to transcend that, and I think I’m  succeeding.

So there’s that.

This is a critically important concept when you are creating something – in fact, your ability to be creative mandates that you turn off the critical part of your brain entirely and simply create like a child. If you can’t do this, you will never get out of the starting gate – and that’s a real shame, because we are all capable of creating something meaningful. And if it’s meaningful to you, chances are very good it will be meaningful to others as well.

Even for those of us who have spent a lifetime trying to be creative, it is almost always a struggle. One of the best examples of this I have ever seen came from an incredibly gifted musician I produced a record with. This guy was just transcendentally, undeniably gifted. I had the pleasure of playing some gigs with him, and I remember thinking “I have to produce a record of this guy.” I remember approaching him about it, and he told me something that left me dumbfounded. He confided that he was unable to record himself at all because he thought everything he tried to do sucked. Now this was someone who had a successful career as a sideman for some pretty well known artists, so clearly he understood he was a high level player. And yet, when he tried to record demos of his material, he couldn’t stand to listen to his own playing! He couldn’t “get out of the way” and see his own gifts, only his imagined shortcomings.

Because we had built a mutual respect and friendship from playing together, and shared an understanding and love for music, he trusted me. And this trust allowed him to let go, it gave him the freedom to just play without judgement. In fact, I would record several takes from him each session, and I wouldn’t even play them back. Instead, I would spend a few days listening to them, pick out the best performances, and edit and mix them. Only when he would come back for the next session would I then play him what he did the week before – but now they weren’t raw tracks – they sounded like a record – and he got it! Because I loved what was special about him, I knew when I captured it – and when he heard it, he knew it was undeniable. All I had done was give him the freedom to not be critical of his art, to just create freely and let me sort it out. I still think it was one of the best records I produced, because it caught the magic that was him.

I allowed him to “get out of the way” and let his art speak. We rarely have the luxury of having someone who can do this for us, so we usually have to do it for ourselves. Rest assured that it can, however, be done…

ER Nursing 101 – you’re triaging a patient just brought in by EMS and they report seizure activity during transport. You ask if they have access to which they reply no, so you drop a line in while you’re triaging and the patient seizes while your drawing labs. You calmly ask them to throw a tegaderm on while you hold his arm and wait it out.

When it passes you finish drawing your labs, get an order for 2 of Ativan and push it. You thank them for their help, and think to yourself – nice!

The joy of living.

Being fully engaged with whatever you are doing.

Having an awareness that this moment is special, and won’t ever come again.

Creating something because you are alive.

Giving for the joy it can bring.

Or… you can be a hateful, narcissistic, sociopathic dick.

The choice is yours. And it is most definitely your choice to make.

You see a lot of heartbreaking shit if you’re an ER nurse; most of it you learn how to compartmentalize in a way that lets you power through and get on with your job. I always try to remember my function is to help people in need – they are depending on my professional skill set and knowledge base. They need me to be calm, capable, and clear headed – not emotional. And I am ruthlessly efficient and focused in carrying out my job. But there some situations that are just too painful to allow yourself to make a personal connection.

One of them is the suicide note.

It usually happens like this. Someone tries to commit suicide, but doesn’t quite finish the job. EMS gets called and brings the patient and all pertinent evidence to the ER. The triage nurse would be the first person to receive this stuff. It all has to be logged and inspected in order to get a clear picture of what happened – we can’t treat the afflicted without understanding what we are dealing with.

Today I had one of them. Made a copy for the chart, and made sure the wife got the original.

Couldn’t look at it. There’s a limit to the sadness you allow in.

Just a rhetorical question, but an interesting one to ponder… There is obviously no real concrete answer, but let’s play an interesting thought game: there is a financial axiom that states one can withdraw 4% annually from a properly invested portfolio without touching the principle – indefinitely. So let’s say had you a million invested – that means you could withdraw $40,000 a year forever without touching your million. Not bad for doing nothing.

If you had a billion dollars, you could withdraw $40,000,000 a year. That’s right – forty million dollars each year. For life. That seems like more money than a single person could spend, year after year. Oh sure, it’s quite possible one could spend more than that in one year. You could buy, say, a ten million dollar Manhattan penthouse, a ten million dollar castle, and a ten million dollar yacht. But wait, you’ve still got almost a million left to spend each month. And the next year you’ve got more money to spend, and the year after that, and the year after that. So a billion dollars seems like it would be enough, no?

Now, mind  you, I’m not making any judgments here – who am I to say how much is enough. But looking at Wikipedia’s rankings of the wealthiest people in the world as of today (I realize this isn’t a definitive source – remember, we’re playing a game here), I came across some numbers. They are astonishing…

Bill Gates: 86 billion, Warren Buffet: 75.6 billion, Jeff Bezos: 72.8 billion (these are the top three). Jumping to number five we have Mark Zuckerberg at 56 billion, and tied at number 8 are the Koch brothers at 48.3 billion each. If you had 48 billion, you could withdraw $1,920,000,000 each year for life without touching your original 48 billion! WTF!!

Now I understand that generating this kind of wealth is often a byproduct of creating something. Just because you’ve made 48 billion you’re not going to stop creating whatever goods or services earned that money – so your business will of course continue to generate wealth, as it should. And maybe each of these hugely wealthy individuals contributes enormous sums to charity or helping to fund research to stop disease, or tries to help humanity in some other meaningful way.

But somebody is funding a lot of very powerful lobbies in Washington for the sole purpose of making the rich even richer. And that prompts my question, “How much is enough?”

After the first billion or so, at what point might you think, “Maybe I should give some of this back to help others…”

“To continue doing something until it is finished or until you achieve something you have planned to do.”

Check.