Fail, fail, fail, fail, succeed

What Are You Afraid Of?

I’m addressing myself here – specifically about writing music. Or rather, my current difficulty in doing so. One of the purposes this blog serves is to try to understand myself better, to achieve clarity of thought. Often just the act of writing down your thoughts exposes distorted or nonsensical thinking. So if I’m having difficulty writing and completing pieces of music, is it because I’m afraid? If so, what am I afraid of? Fear of not having anything to say? That seems kind of crazy since the last few years have been a rich source of personal growth.

Fear of not producing something I think is great and excites me? OK, this might hit a little closer to home.  Fear of not doing something original? Maybe this should be rephrased to “Fear of repeating myself.” Oy, that’s close. Definitely afraid of that.

Let’s keep going… I’ve effectively removed “Fear of success” since I’ve established I’m really just doing this for me. Am I afraid that if it’s just for me it has no importance and therefore isn’t worth doing? Just stream of consciousness rambling here folks. If I’m boring you feel free to move on. But I’m really trying to figure this out.

I found this great quote from Chuck Close: “Inspiration is for amateurs — the rest of us just show up and get to work.” This is kind of painful and obvious, and assumes that the work is going to be good, but I get that without at least attempting to create something, you’re obviously not going to make anything great. Is it about lack of discipline? I kind of touched on this in an earlier post, but perhaps it bears further scrutiny. In order to be disciplined, there has to be a specific goal. You have to know what you are being disciplined about, otherwise you are just floundering.

I find it somewhat interesting that I am not really having difficulty coming up with something to write about in this blog every day. I don’t really think too much about it – I JUST DO IT. Hmm… The thing is, I am not a writer, therefore I have no expectations of whether this will be easy or hard – or even “good.” I also haven’t studied writing to the degree where I am comparing myself to some “gold” standard. I AM SIMPLY EXPRESSING MYSELF.

I might be onto something here…