I have always been an atheist. Although I was exposed to Christianity when I was a child, even at a very young age the whole thing just made absolutely no sense to me. I remember thinking “These adults don’t really expect me to believe this, do they? I guess I better just play along.”
As I grew older, I developed a real disdain for “Christian believers,” thinking they were either so cynical that they thought if they pretended to believe then maybe no one would notice what lying pricks they really were. Or else they were just simpletons who really did believe in this ridiculous fairy tale, making me feel smugly superior. And don’t even get me started on carnies like Joel Osteen…
But I grew out of being an arrogant asshole and realized that maybe it was me who was missing out on something. I mean, this whole “Gods plan” thing sure seemed to answer a whole lot of really uncomfortable shit – like coping with the seemingly random tragedies of life, and answering existential questions. It just seems too easy though – if it’s all just part of “Gods plan” then I don’t have to bother with all that pesky thinking. And at the end of this tragic comedy called life, if we just ask god for “forgiveness,” then we get to go to some glorious place forever. As I get older & closer to death, I sometimes actually envy believers.
After all, without god there are a whole lot of very uncomfortable questions that need to be answered, or else life can start to seem kind of meaningless.
Questions like “What exactly is the point here? You mean we’re just born and then randomly die, and that’s it?” Pretty fucking bleak, that one is. And yet unfortunately it’s probably the closest to the truth.
It’s just one bitter fucking pill to swallow. I mean, if I don’t believe in “god” then does that mean I don’t believe in anything? I never said I was a nihilist.
Well, it turns out I do have a relatively positive, albeit weak theory I’ll explore in Part 2 of this post. If anyone’s listening and even remotely cares, stay tuned…